Life Lessons from Horror Movies

Many like to pick on the horror genre mentioning all the supposed negative aspects of the genre. I, though, find that there are many great life lessons to be learned. Don't believe me? Read on, and you will see for yourself!

Help!- For example, if you need help, DO NOT ask a scary German guy for help. As seen in last year's Human Centipede, he'll sew you ass to mouth, with at least two other people attached to you. And, well that just can't be fun.








Love & Zombies- We can also learn important tips on dating zombies. But, wait you say, there aren't any zombies in real life. Well, what about when the zombie apocalypse takes place, huh? Your gonna have to get some ass anyway, you can. Thank God, these movies can teach us what to do when in a relationship with the living dead. If you happen to have casual sex with a hot zombie chick be sure to, as Skid Row say in their song, tell 'em to "Get the fuck out!". Otherwise, as BurningAngel's horror/ porno Re-Penetrator teaches us, they rip you apart and eat you! On the bright side, he does die with, mostly, a smile, I suppose.

But, when in a serious relationship with a zombie, as seen in the classic Return of the Living Dead Pt. 3, you will have to deal with her cutting herself. But, on the bright side she'll have her tits out in the open! Of course, in the end you'll see that ultimately you'll have to kill yourself with her. Which while it maybe romantically tragic, it certainly doesn't do you any good whatsoever!

But, what if your crush, who doesn't know you have feelings for her, suddenly becomes a zombie? The answer to what to do can be found in the indie-horror flick Make Out with Violence. Anyways, you can take care of by keeping her in your friends room, changing her clothing, and keeping her in the bathtub. Feeding her live rats is also a good idea, but I think it would totally kill the mood! Still, you gotta feed her flesh eating desires somehow! This will eventually lead to bad shit, for sure, but hey, beggars can't be choosers!

Lava Lamps & Satan- I bet you didn't know this, but Satan lives in a lava lamp! Don't believe me? Well, then you clearly have not seen John Carpenter's highly enjoyable Prince of Darkness, and if you have seen it, then you ain't paying attention. Not only does the Lord of Flies live in one, but he can control bugs and bums! Plus, he spreads his evil though slime! So, next time you go to a friend's house and see that he/ she has a lava lamp, be careful! It might possess you and make you try and kill people researching the occult at some old church!

Ballet- I once thought that the only thing bad about the ballet is that it can put you to fucking sleep. But, I was wrong! Two great horror movies, thought me this. First off, Argento's classic Suspiria teaches us that a ballet school might be run by witches; who kill those who stand in their way. Their head witch can even bring the fucking dead back to life!! Shit!! That's scarier than freaking detention!

Of course, that's not the only issue here. Even if your school is not run by witches you might just go fucking insane! Last year's amazing psychological horror flick Black Swan warned us about this. You'll keep going more and more whacky, but it's not all bad. You do get to have hot lesbian fantasies about Mila Kunis! It's just the stuff that happens before and after that won't be fun! I guess you gotta take the good with bad!



So, there you have it. Horrors films are actually more educational about life than Sesame Street ever could be!

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Camelot & The Borgias- Cables Newest Series

Two new shows have recently debuted on premium cable: Camelot and The Borgias. These are my thoughts on them.

WARNING: Some minor spoilers are mentioned in here.

Camelot- Of these two shows, this one is my preferred one, well at least for now. Airing on Starz, it retells the King Arthur legend. There is a good mix of drama, with some fantasy elements through in. I'm glad they did not opt to ignore the fantasy elements (which is something I was afraid they were gonna do).

First off, the production value, is of course, sumptuous. The cinematography is gorgeous. The acting is excellent. I love the whole cast, in particular Eva Green is the deliciously evil Morgan. But, more on her later.

Since this is cable, they are able to add lots of violence, including a bloody slaughter at the end of the two part first episode. Actually, the first episode was aired as a preview, last month, which is when I caught it. Last night, I saw the full two-parter.

Anyways, the other thing that cable allows is, of course, skin! And thank God for the beautiful Eva Green!!! I been a fan of hers since Casino Royale. She has a breathtakingly beautiful face and gorgeous eyes. And, those natural boobs are a sight to behold! Holy fuckin' shit! I flipped out when she showed them on the preview! In the ending of the second half she shows them to some wolf/ demon (?) thing. Some lycan-like creatures have all the luck!


The Borgias- This show I was interested long before I even heard of Camelot. I first heard about it when my friend Kristie, and I went to the Showtime house way back in October of last year. The Showtime house is an annual thing were artists make rooms inspired by each show on Showtime. While Dexter was, of course, our favorite room, my second fav had to be The Borgias room. I mean it had a big-ass cross, a skull, and bunch of books. How could it not be?

Anyways, it definitely made me curious to see this show. Well that and the fact that Jeremy Irons is in the lead role. He's a great actor, and I been a fan of his since I saw him in Cronenberg's classic Dead Ringers. Anyhow, I kept waiting and waiting for it to air. To the point where I was wondering what the fuck was up!

Well, it finally debuted this Sunday, with a another two parter. Again, the set design and costumes are gorgeous. This one is a little slower, though. It is inspired by the real life and corrupt Borgias family. The dude was some scummy pope. This show promises to show what is, as they call it, "the first crime family".

Already, we see glimpses of the corruption. Sex seems to play a major part in it. Which of course means skin! The female cast, by the way, is VERY easy on the eyes.

The acting is excellent, and it should be noted that it is produced by Neil (Interview with the Vampire) Jordan. Like I said, it was slow, but the last twenty minutes really kicked the series into gear. Based on the clips they showed, I think this show will only get better. Very much looking forward to more episodes.

So, there you have it. I hope you guys will give these shows a look. I would love to hear your thoughts on them, as well.

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